Hi (:
My name is Chair and I rock.
Seventeen candles on the 28th September '09. I ♥ cocktails, cocaine, and clubbing.

PARAMORE
is the bomb.
you know you love me
xoxo


put a more detailed profile here. (:




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at 11:02 PM

Words that speaks to me, words written to me.

No matter how tough it is, how negative it seems through my physical eyes. i know God is in control, He has thoughts and ways that r higher than me in great length that sometimes i cannot comprehend. I really cant.

Negative voice telling me about the way God is angry with me, how He is going to jeopardise everything for my exams becos of all the things that He is not pleased in my life. The terrible things i do to myself to justify the wrong that i've done. He sees it. He knows it all, and He still wants me, becos I belong to Him. And forever will be.

I'm currently brain dead and suffering from emotion burdens that r burying me from the top down and deep down to the pit. Words that pierced through my thoughts, harsh n thoughtless words from ppl i love ,makes me wonder again why He would still love n want me this way, since nobody cares abt how i feel, im just so insignificant in their eyes, so frail n lousy, n in need of wake up calls in my life, which i hate to appear b4 them, so doubtful of His plans n faithless by seeing whats ahead of me by my physical eyes.

Im the least worthy of anything of Him, anything that He gave, so much, so wonderful, so much love from people He placed in my life, prayers from ppl who care, i dun deserve any of it, and the higher my expectations, the harder i fall.

I felt that i should just crumble n die.

He said, yes I didnt deserve it, I didnt deserve to crumble and die, didnt deserve becos I didnt earn it, didnt deserve becos it was out of grace and love that He gave as a gift to me. Look no more at what was past, stable my eyes on Him, and follow as He leads. He loves becos it's Him, not becos of who i am, but becos of who He is.

I got quiet and begin to worship in awe, of Him.

He is just wonderful, when he comforts, there is no one that can take away the peace inside.


at 12:58 AM

Dear Diary,

its been quite awhile again since i last updated blog, and soon its the Christmas season again to harvest the crops on the field! :D haha.. im so excited for whats gonna happen! i used to feel so stressed up on Christmas, becos of alot of things to handle and work on. But its a kinda good stress i feel, becos its the end that matter, not how much we worked. :)

Having lots of thoughts lately, about my studies, my relationships with ppl, and my work, my colleagues and my church, my ministry. its tough to have my leader away for the past 5-6 weeks, but still its past, and he is back with us again! The anchoring of my heart and everything in God's house n stuff is so much more stable. yes, prayer n fasting has ended on the day he is back and there r more things ahead also. Speaking about that, its also about the changes in the cg that is gonna happen, stagnating is what is in the cg and therefore there r bound to be reshuffling. hmm... dunno how to feel about it yet, but just taking things a step at a time, seeing which direction the wind is blowing, and follow the leader. :)

Was just discussing about the new plans up till christmas and post Christmas! hehe.. its all so nice and i can imagining it happening already! keke... i just wanna pray for good weather on the days we r gg out!! Things may be happening in the cg that i may not know, but i hope for God's intervention and by prayers and seeking God, i know everything will be fine. i just need to depend more on him, and not my own strength, got to keep reminding myself.

when things dont happen, it doesnt mean God is not doing anything, but maybe there are things God wants me to do first, becos i may think its the most impt thing to do, but to God its not and He has great plans that r better than my own for me. :) Things may not happen becos God is getting me ready for the responsibilities for the great things ahead, if u r in charge of small things, ur responisbility is smaller, but if u r in charge of great things later on, i need to be able the handle the stress and responsibility that r attached to it. So, i will wait n just wait on Him and sincerely pray to him everyday n every moment i can, alone with Him. :) He will deal with the secret sins in my life and once its cleared out n open, i will get the reward that He has prepared for me. !!

Im so used to assuming so many issues which r not correct and i have this stupid mindset that ppl will just accept me for who i am, but i found out that its not true and maybe i have just intruded into their comfort zone n privacy that they hold so dear to. Oh gosh.... Hmm.. i pray to God man, i want to be sensitive to ppl's emotions around me, and i pray i can discern that, before acting rashly. im just too reckless and too capital I. :( ARgghh...

Zel




at 11:54 PM

Facing the upcoming unknown is Scary

Looking at what the previous weeks has past, really sets me thinking at what i'm going through now, whether everything was meant to me. The failure of my module, the new shock, the new friendships, the new challenges. It seems like everything is super fun n good for so many ppl.

I asked God, what does He think about it, No answer.
Was this part of His plan? No answer.
Will walking towards the unknown bring me to another disappointment? No answer.
Am i going through situation like this by bearing through the storm? No answer.
Or am i going through this by putting a stop to it? no answer.
Peace of God in my heart? ups n downs Not exactly or maybe im just insecure.

All these unknowns and no answers from God really sets me thinking very hard. I know the answer may not be now or probably i might just need to pray n wait. There is always a period of waiting, and its like a farmer who laboured for the harvest, there is always a season for the harvest and a period of leaving the crops alone to grow.

Maybe what i can foresee in front of me is a sea of storm, and uncertainty. But it is just what i imagine it to be. It may or may not be untill i walk nearer or step into the water right.

This is the picture of my heart, rainings of uncertainty and yet, im gonna step into it anyway.

Storm or whatever. Here i come!!!


at 2:42 PM

Being in a Dreamy mode for the longest period of time...

how to describe a dreamy mode,
that is to:
1) "suffer" from a certain high from an experience or a vision from ur head which may or may not happen
2) smiling to urself from time to time, like a mad woman.
3) happy n expecting an sms or an email or chat dialog
4) nothing in this world will bring ur mood down
5) feeling full even without eating, dun need the carbo to balance ur endophines.
6) jumps and skips around the house n everywhere
7) give out of a heart that is overflowing with love
8) feel like thanking God for all the things all the time!!
9) wants others around to feel the happiness i have within me!
10) unresolved things doesnt look as threatening to me now :)

Thats what im feeling so far... Am i very sick???

I'm "suffering" from overdosing of the medication........


at 4:52 PM

Boundaries in Dating

Its irony how after a thousand years later did i start to read a book given to me by Gershon, its all brown n yellow now, but still somehow i decided to pick up this book to read and surely i will need to know stuffs from it someday. :)

There is a particulare chapter that i liked alot, its about what u can live with and what you cannot live with. I think in my whole 24 yrs, i have nv consider this properly until the mid of last yr, as me mave and li decided to set some goals for our future relationships then. So what were my past goals in a future boyfriend would be:

1) to have a C S personality, a person who is detailed and dun need to say out everything for him to understand.

2) to have a stable income with money that we can save together for mission trips each year.

3) To have a leadership position in church same or higher than me.

4) have the same purpose n goal in life.

5) Character wise is to treat everyone the same as how he would be in front of me.

6) must be gernerous.

etc..

But after reading about this R/s chapter, i found out that there r some minor imperfections that can i can live with, like disorganisations and difficulties in opening up and being direct, messiness and impatience, perfectionism, etc.

This can be changed or tolerated, whereas those defects doing with character issues, like dishonesty, unkindness, jealousy, slander and controlling which is a inerpersonal destructive traits, is a definitely no no.

I believe i will discover more than i need when i finish with this book, share with you guys more soon!! :) and of cos i have set new goals to fulfil and of cos to change myself to match up with my future boyfriend, if there is.

P.s.: 16 more days to go.

:D


at 4:25 PM

Emotionally messed up and unusual High!

Met up with Alvin on thurs, to celebrate his birthday and its so nice to have him blessed me with a written note and a hand drawn butterfly and flowers!! I thought it was my birthday! lol. But what can i say but to appreciate what God has placed in my life, a faithful friend :)

And also the new found friendship which i've blogged previously about. yes, its not even a week since my last entry and its only happened like 5 days ago. haha. it felt like a long time though, but i felt really elated by this friendship so far. Everything is like speeding so fast, i cant even catch up with the info that are flooding my mind with, i just to keep reminding myself to slow down n rem to breathe and rest.

its hard to describe this kind of feeling, the emotionally high and estasy like im addicted to some substance and it can even last up to a whole day! but anyway i didnt sound that im feeling this way to anyone yet. but i guess after this entry the whole world will know

Its a kind of confusing and emotion down feelings that i must handle too, felt like crying and worried the next moment, fearing of the "what ifs" can really set the devil at work in my head.

When my head and my heart and all of my guy feelings are blinded and splitting ways, i need to find the peace of God back, it is also when i started praying do i find the correct emotions to set myself back.

I am still praying over this kind of feeling that has since messed up all of my logical thinking so far, and not to catagorised it just on the negative side of emotions, my heart was overwhelm by warmth, happiness and love too :) if this is how a spoilt child feels after receieving a big present of her dream, i am the child now. :D

And i just had my hair trimmed!!! which is no diff except it is more tame (manageable, doesnt mean it was wild previously) :P and shorter fringe!

dont you think that the butterfly look real? and he spent 4 hours having the fragile insect done!

Flowers flowers flowers!! its blooiming in every single thing i experience now!!

at 12:41 AM

i appreciate observant ppl!

Thank God for the retreat that has brought lots of laughter and new friendships into my boring life. :) been reminded from a friend that my blog is so not updated as usual, so decided to blogged out my feelings all together in a place less than home, JB!

It was never a chance that i wanna take, thinking that i was just a plain girl, i will not meet anyone special and appreciative. but God did make a way for me. i won lottery! hehe. no la. its more than lottery. :) :) :)

it was a blessing that i met a girl named Jolin in one of my usher duty that day in the zone meeting. got to know her, really adds lots of colours n excitment to a less than boring life in the cold room of our resort! i think i wouldnt have thought i would meet my match of "I" ness. except for her! she can really talked non stop and being an entertainer by nature, she told us that she wouldnt drink, becos it will affect her singing when she get sore throat from drinking!
thinking about what she said, can make me laugh at my monitor now!!!! muahahaha.. Her main job is not singing ok. hahaha. but she is really fun to b with la! but just need to press the stop button real hard b4 she can halt.

Another friend i've met is Elaine, Jolin's usher friend. :P She is also a fun girl to be with! lol, i think i would never guess her age when she speak. becos she is a mature thinker despite her age!! will it be without colours n pillow fights n body slamming without her. okok!!1 dun hit me with a chair ok! i will stop blogging about u! :P

Shirleen sticked with me most of the time, she is an angel without wings, always slow to anger and judge, the total opposite of me, and good points still counting! :) Im sorry friend! i didnt mean to hurt u man! u r not ugly at all, becos even when angels cry, their tears r like crystals! :D Thank you for having a forgiving big heart!!

As for Mave, what to say, she is my super khaki who had always been my ear when i couldnt hear, my mouth when i couldnt speak! She is also an observant person i wish to comment. she loves me through the bones and literately live in my heart, hehe. She knows what is good for me, and a battle fought, its better than a battle that is nv sought. :) Thank you for understanding, and letting me have time to process the mixed thoughts before we went ahead to do something that is so out of the world!!! :x

Lastly, i wanna say thanks for being my new friend, i do really appreciate the openness and a heart that u are willing to bare to me. i felt that u r reading me like a book! but not to worry, im not freaking out, just felt chilly thats all, for a friend who have known me for barely 3 days! Lol. You are amazing! :)

Wear if the shoes fit. :)

Ciao!