Strumming Some Heartstrings

Wednesday, August 20, 2008
at 4:43 PM

It bothers me.

Being alone and unable to reach out to this area of my life for so long, it has always been an untouched area for all girls, at least in the church. Had been reading a book by Joshua Harris, i Kissed Dating Goodbye. yes it says alot about how defective a relationship without a proper purpose, or even worse that u didnt know what u want out of a relationship can cause damaging consequences for both parties.

Humans dont really have a few hundreds of years on earth you see. finding a suitable partner is as hard as seeking a needle in the ocean. How i really wished that if i am a boy, i can just go all out to persue any girl who caught my heart, or i feel that i can develop a deeper understanding with. but for a girl, u can only wait wait n wait. there is nothing much u can do though. Pastor Kong once said in his sermon that God only answer the questions from ur deepest. and Sometimes God just want to see how hard is the thing that we longed for before He gives us what we longed for.

Maybe becos of my past relationships, i couldnt step out again to the unknown becos its damaging to my self image. i dun really have a good esteem of myself in the area of physical looks, capabilities etc. a girl with lots of short comings, fat n bad complexion etc. the only person i can dare to persue is God, becos i know He looks me from the inside out with love. He made me. i dun dare to dream into the things that r not facts, i dun like to have illusions, becos it will only cause more hurts. there was a day that i asked one of my friends, how come alot of guys dun dare to persue the girls of their dreams in courage?? She answered, its only becos the guy doesnt like the girl enough to persue her. hmm... after that she said, i realised it may be really true, becos he thinks that she is not attractive enough, or doesnt possess all the qualities in the checklist of a girlfriend maybe? all these kind of funny thoughts came to my mind. my mind's checkpoint to filter the wrong thoughts doesnt know where to register these thoughts. out or in?

After meeting Gershon n Liru for bs ytd, we ended up talking about this topic about when do i wanna get attached and stuff, its really not up to me, is my first answer that popped out of my mouth! lol. a sense of helplessness went over me man!! :P i dun dare to make any move or hallucinate, becos wat we girls need is security and assurance. if there issnt any assurance in our hearts about success, we cant be stepping out into the empty and have a free fall game! dunno why i started to have stressful thoughts about relationships, i suddenly felt so unattractive, so undeserving, unworthy of ppl's persue, thats why im at this state, nobody did anything to me, but im just demoralised and i shut my door to pray to God the moment i reached home just now.
i asked God to take away those doubtful questions, becos He had made me beautifully in His hands, a masterpiece that He has moulded to shine for His kingdom n shame the world! :)

hmm but what i can do now is like what Gershon says, start to ask from God, daily, make it one of the focus of each day, describe what kind of partner to God, though u cant ask for a fixed timing to receive this. but God will know that i am not sitting on the problem anymore, i will have faith in the things that work together for good for those who love God. :D

Dear girls!!! Dont give up in seeking true love@!
you know you love me

Monday, August 11, 2008
at 4:24 PM


Today is the first day of the prayer meeting in the morning for next 2 weeks. wow! i reli woke up very early for this prayer meeting, about 6am? hehe.. thank God my sister n brother in law gave me a ride over there, gosh, its reli packed over there already at 6plus, can u believe it!! and there were only 2 lifts to transport about 12 ppl up each ride, (i cant help but think that each lift is transporting us nearer to Heaven, tbecos its 12 storeys high, and the lift is attached outside the building)and i already know the singpost building by now!!!! becos i took a wrong lift up. n wasted my time for praying, it wasnt anything like those fierce prayers we used to pray in the chc, but a powerhouse area that we could really knee down n pray intimate prayers with the Lord. training ourselves to be sensitive to His voice. i love His presence and u guys know im someone who cries easily, happy or sad, my tears will just drop if i feel something from the Lord or sensed His voice talking to me, tears flowing yet very happy n contented, becos wat i got from there gave me energy to begin a lousy monday blues! lots of adults came but the youths are even more!!

The hall cant sit alot of ppl so some of them are standing facing h curtains or sitting down on the carpetted floor, the church is beautiful, even the chairs look pretty! -.- becos me n mavis didnt got a chance to sit on one! hahaa... and i've successfully gotten my 1st sticker of the week!!! hmm both happy n sad, becos the next 2 days i cant go for the prayer meet, i can onli go n thurs n friday!!! :(

Anyway God is good, the sticker card says in 2 chronicles 7:14 if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves, and pray and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then i will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

Guys, i really felt God there and the feeling is beyond description. and if u guys can come down n pray at Heart of God church Singpost level 12 7am to 8am or Jurong west chc church 7am to 8am from monday to friday! dun give in to ur flesh, becos what God can give u is beyond imagination. Amen.

I've got this verse when im on the bus home from singpost. Mathew 12:15-21 (MSG) Jesus, God's chosen Servant

Look well at my handpicked servant, i love him so much, take such delight in him I've placed my Spirit on Him; he will decree justiceto the nation, but he won't yell won't raise his voice; there will be no commotion in ghd streets, He won't walk over anyone's feelings, won't push you into a corner, before you know it, his justice will triumph; the mere sound of his name will signal hope even among the far-off unbelievers.

i believe God is very pleased with us and we will have his spirit with us and bring about hope in other ppl's life. :D just like Jesus!!!

you know you love me

Friday, August 01, 2008
at 4:37 AM

Tonight is my first night shift of this week!!! hmm.. i've missed cellgroup meeting and will be missing FOP at indoor stadium today. gosh.. i really hate it when i cant plan for my own shift, its like out of control although so many times i have requested for best possible shift. sometimes i really wonder if i live to work or work to live. i have to consult God about it. lol, time will have passed faster if i would just sleep it over. but no, i realised i will wake up very tired and lethargic after my 1 hr of sleep. listening to my mp3, Nan Quan MaMa, just bought their cd ytd, not bad at all~ love the song about Rainy day.

Been wondering if i should really give up ushering and at all, actually i love ushering, its about coordinating congregation flow, loving the people to serve them to usher in God's presence where they r comfortable. its hate to put it all to words, thats what really holding me to perservere in usher ministry, if any thought about it has changed, i would have leave usher ministry long ago.

Didnt wish to think anything about relationship at the moment, and still very bugged by it, again its a very sensitive age if u r still single now, everyone will start to ask u, wondering if anything is wrong with you about relationship wise. its not easy to tackle it all the time or should i say entertain it. i guess i must change my thinking to counter react with what the world is putting on my shoulders.

Another person i really admire besides Eva is Shirleen, a person whom i can describe as total dependent on God, where is can see Mathew 6:33 acted in her life, every single thing added into her bossom when she gives God her all.[The Message Bible Version]: (Steep ur life in God's reality, God-initiative, God-Provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all ur everyday human concern will be met.) Adding friends to God's kingdom, adding good relationships, multipling anointing upon her life, burderns divided, happiness doubled, fighting and trying it again n again till she got it right. That is the spirit im look at, the spirit i wanna follow. i guess its a very successful example im looking at after SOT training, because not all ppl can emerge out stronger like she does. Strive on Shirleen! :D
you know you love me


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