Hi (:
My name is Chair and I rock.
Seventeen candles on the 28th September '09. I ♥ cocktails, cocaine, and clubbing.

PARAMORE
is the bomb.
you know you love me
xoxo


put a more detailed profile here. (:




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at 11:10 AM

The torturing hours

Feeling real draining, expecting someone to read the email, and finding out how that friend thinks, its so torturing, expecting a response. been out with friends, been out at a house warming party, with so many ppl around me, but all i felt was a kind of emptiness, was a kind of feeling inside that feel like dying, Its a expectation not met, i dunno how it must be managed. goodness from friends, good intentions that come my way from others, i totally couldnt open up myself to receive it, its draining me every second to smile, to talk and to feel. just felt like escaping and go home n cry alone with the Lord. Guess only He can understands.

Guess it was too much to expect from a friend? haha. Too much. too unrealistic.Words out, promise unmet, i know there r tons of reasons followed the task not met. Well that just shows how much the friend's words meant, and how impt am i. Aconversation extended, that forgets time. I not trying to drill through a bull's horn, but its something i was given previously, but now taken away. I nv once took this friendship for granted, since the very day it started, but still it is not gg the way which i tot it will....

Friend nv tells me about how friend thinks, i need to know, becos its very essential,i pray friend talks to me soon, write me a letter or an email. Becos i hate to guess and gets all teary every single time.

I want to take myself out, im plucking myself out from the roots that r already growing, and it hurts so much. Its cutting part of my soul away. Its not something a person can see if he/her is busy with so many things, that is hindering to see what r the details that affects the other. Thinking that everything is fine, isnt gonna help, covering up above whats affecting underneath isnt solving anything.

Well, like what Joshua Harris says, its worthwhile, its a success even if it fails.

Should i stop working at it?


at 11:02 PM

Words that speaks to me, words written to me.

No matter how tough it is, how negative it seems through my physical eyes. i know God is in control, He has thoughts and ways that r higher than me in great length that sometimes i cannot comprehend. I really cant.

Negative voice telling me about the way God is angry with me, how He is going to jeopardise everything for my exams becos of all the things that He is not pleased in my life. The terrible things i do to myself to justify the wrong that i've done. He sees it. He knows it all, and He still wants me, becos I belong to Him. And forever will be.

I'm currently brain dead and suffering from emotion burdens that r burying me from the top down and deep down to the pit. Words that pierced through my thoughts, harsh n thoughtless words from ppl i love ,makes me wonder again why He would still love n want me this way, since nobody cares abt how i feel, im just so insignificant in their eyes, so frail n lousy, n in need of wake up calls in my life, which i hate to appear b4 them, so doubtful of His plans n faithless by seeing whats ahead of me by my physical eyes.

Im the least worthy of anything of Him, anything that He gave, so much, so wonderful, so much love from people He placed in my life, prayers from ppl who care, i dun deserve any of it, and the higher my expectations, the harder i fall.

I felt that i should just crumble n die.

He said, yes I didnt deserve it, I didnt deserve to crumble and die, didnt deserve becos I didnt earn it, didnt deserve becos it was out of grace and love that He gave as a gift to me. Look no more at what was past, stable my eyes on Him, and follow as He leads. He loves becos it's Him, not becos of who i am, but becos of who He is.

I got quiet and begin to worship in awe, of Him.

He is just wonderful, when he comforts, there is no one that can take away the peace inside.


at 12:58 AM

Dear Diary,

its been quite awhile again since i last updated blog, and soon its the Christmas season again to harvest the crops on the field! :D haha.. im so excited for whats gonna happen! i used to feel so stressed up on Christmas, becos of alot of things to handle and work on. But its a kinda good stress i feel, becos its the end that matter, not how much we worked. :)

Having lots of thoughts lately, about my studies, my relationships with ppl, and my work, my colleagues and my church, my ministry. its tough to have my leader away for the past 5-6 weeks, but still its past, and he is back with us again! The anchoring of my heart and everything in God's house n stuff is so much more stable. yes, prayer n fasting has ended on the day he is back and there r more things ahead also. Speaking about that, its also about the changes in the cg that is gonna happen, stagnating is what is in the cg and therefore there r bound to be reshuffling. hmm... dunno how to feel about it yet, but just taking things a step at a time, seeing which direction the wind is blowing, and follow the leader. :)

Was just discussing about the new plans up till christmas and post Christmas! hehe.. its all so nice and i can imagining it happening already! keke... i just wanna pray for good weather on the days we r gg out!! Things may be happening in the cg that i may not know, but i hope for God's intervention and by prayers and seeking God, i know everything will be fine. i just need to depend more on him, and not my own strength, got to keep reminding myself.

when things dont happen, it doesnt mean God is not doing anything, but maybe there are things God wants me to do first, becos i may think its the most impt thing to do, but to God its not and He has great plans that r better than my own for me. :) Things may not happen becos God is getting me ready for the responsibilities for the great things ahead, if u r in charge of small things, ur responisbility is smaller, but if u r in charge of great things later on, i need to be able the handle the stress and responsibility that r attached to it. So, i will wait n just wait on Him and sincerely pray to him everyday n every moment i can, alone with Him. :) He will deal with the secret sins in my life and once its cleared out n open, i will get the reward that He has prepared for me. !!

Im so used to assuming so many issues which r not correct and i have this stupid mindset that ppl will just accept me for who i am, but i found out that its not true and maybe i have just intruded into their comfort zone n privacy that they hold so dear to. Oh gosh.... Hmm.. i pray to God man, i want to be sensitive to ppl's emotions around me, and i pray i can discern that, before acting rashly. im just too reckless and too capital I. :( ARgghh...

Zel